the story behind the song

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Life is a cycle of gaining and losing. We come into the world with nothing. We grow up then grow old, in a best case scenario.  Sometimes along the expected course of life we have massive losses, profound lossses that shatter our dreams, challenge our faith and rock our world. That’s what this song is about. Why do we suffer? What is God’s part in our suffering? Can there possibly be eternal value in the ocean of despair and loss in which I float?

Experts say people usually live between 3-11 years after diagnosis of Alzheimer’s . My Mom lived 17 years beyond her diagnosis, probably because she ate healthy and  exercised daily throughout her life.  From the time the doctors called and said, “Bring the family in,  she so n’t live much longer,” 6 more weeks passed. 

My Dad died of a rare blood disease called amyloidosis. I think the stress of his illness, then moving to a smaller home set Mom’s disease into motion. We were puzzled when Mom could no longer balance her checkbook, because she worked at a bank and the family business, balancing books.

Mom was the oldest of 7 children. Her life was fascinating. When she was 4, she was home alone with her pregnant mother. Her Dad was out in the field working. My grandmother went into labor and gave birth to her 2nd child at home alone on the kitchen table. She delivered her own baby while 4 year old Mom watched. Grandmother remembered Mom pointing to her sister, Evelyn, and saying “Baby”. I cherish the countless stories of her life.

During the last 13 of those 17 years of Mom’s life, I too was dealing with two life threatening illnesses. After 2 years of burning feet, chronic fatigue, visits to my GP, podiatrist, neurologist, and oncologist, I was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL). I was actually suffering more from an undiagnosed rare neurological disorder called Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy (CIDP).  That diagnosis would come 13 years later. 

Going through a dozen chemo treatments was lonely enough. I also had all these strange pains all over my body that no one else in the treatment center was having. Lightning bolts of pain out of nowhere would strike me anywhere on my body, in my eyeball, toe, teeth, or knee. My nervous system was shorting out. The pain level was 10 times more than anything I’d ever experienced. It would render me temporarily insane. Here’s what I mean. Once  I was sitting on my front porch. A severe pain shot into my big toe. The pain was so intense that I  ran scrambling to find my axe. I was certain that if I chopped off that toe, the pain would be far less. The pain of cutting off a toe was nothing compared to the pain I was feeling. Fortunately the pain instantly stopped before I found the axe.  I found myself standing in my garage,  doubting my own sanity. How could I have been in so much pain just seconds ago, and suddenly it’s gone.  Over the next 6 months the chemotherapy reduced the intensity of these bizarre pains and the leukemia went into remission. 

Once Mom was the mother of a family of 6 and managed a complex life. At another time she could only lie in a hospital bed, not knowing who we were or where she was.

I could play the guitar one day. Another day I could not button my shirt or walk without 2 walking sticks.  Recently I’ve regain some of my dexterity. We aren’t defined by what we do or can’t do. We are defined by our identity as Children of our Heavenly Father. We are the righteousness of God, IN CHRIST. Is there suffering in life? Yep. Is there loss? Certainly. Is there hope? Indeed and without a doubt. It is found in Christ. 

“God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Col. 1:25-27 NIV

When I was just a boy I knew everything

I listened to my Mom, that’s how I learned to sing

I could make a rhyme cause I  knew just how

But I don’t know anything now

I used to walk a hundred miles just to say I could

I’d spend a whole week out in the woods

I could take a hickory stick and whittle out a cow

But I can’t do things like that now

Life’s an illusion

A vapor that’s soon gone 

If you think you have all the answers well

My friend you are wrong

I used to be blind but I did not know

I thought I could see but it was all a show

I had it all figured out so long ago

Now I don’t know which way to go

When I look back sometimes I want to cry

I had a few dreams, I let em all slip by

The weight of the world grew a little each day

And those dreams slipped farther away

Life’s an illusion

A vapor that’s soon gone

If you think you have all the answers well

You’ll find you are wrong

Now I am getting old as the year go fast

The wonder of youth was never meant to last

I’m as young as my faith and old as my doubt

It’s Ok God’s working it out